i just had sex bonerless
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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