I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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