You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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