I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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