You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
