Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
