She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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