Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
