this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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