i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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