Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
