I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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