i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
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This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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