I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
