What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
