Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
