I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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