the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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