i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
