I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
