Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
