Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
