Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Randomize
