i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
