they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
