he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
