I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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