The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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