my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
