Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
