I cut my penus on the lid.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
being pregnant is like rehab
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
A bitchslap is in order.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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