Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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