I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
