Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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