Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
