she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
