They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
