Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
