Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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