i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
