My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
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If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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