I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
