I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
