Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
