Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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