I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Use "feeling words"
Yay
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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