I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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