I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
