im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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