my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
