U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
