Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
