i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
