I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
