On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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