hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Im part way to drunk.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
