she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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