She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
