my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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