Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
