Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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