Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
