yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Randomize
