Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
