the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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