The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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